On disappearing

Lately I've read a couple of works of fiction that just happened to include ghosts, although it must be said that I will often pick up a ghost story over something more edifying. I imagine that the concept of ghosts or spirits must be pretty interesting to most human beings, because we are know that we are finite and some of wonder what comes after this.

In less than four months, two of Alex's old schoolmates have committed suicide. They were both 20 or 21. The first was shocking enough; the second, which I just heard about a few days ago, was accompanied with more of a feeling of unreality. Both boys (because I knew them as boys and teens) were difficult, insofar as the first was a serious bully who made Alex's life hellish for several years and held my son with a simmering resentment even though the two had long been out of contact; the second was a troublemaker of the most typical kind for his age, a handsome kid with obvious smarts but definitely one to keep an eye on if he were in your house (which he was, often).

Well, we all know what motivates bullies. The bottom line is fear, which branches out into low self-esteem and manifests as arrogance and cruelty. I came close to truly hating that kid many times, poor thing. But he grew from a chubby, short kid into a strong, handsome young man and he'd bought himself a big ole honker of a car and had pictures of himself grinning with friends on Facebook. The troublemaker, for his part, just struck me as bored and looking for kicks. Not unusual for his age. I figured he'd grow out of it.

As a mother, I cannot fathom the idea of a child taking his own life. And I knew the mother of the bully quite well; she'd had her own rather severe troubles back in the day. There were painkillers and rehab and an unhappy marriage in there, but she fought through everything and came out on top.

I have, I guess, all the usual feelings and questions about the boys... the first one being why? What was so wrong that they couldn't go on? Was it drugs? I know how they can plunge someone into such depression that suicidal thoughts can emerge, can take over. Was it that? Was there absolutely no glimmer of hope for the years ahead? No girlfriend who mattered enough, no thought for family members? I guess not. I've been there, and only the thought of Alex made me get up and trudge back into my daily existence. And even Alex was just a tenuous thread. My decision to go on living was almost a grudging one.

Thankfully, I got over that, because there was much good to come and I experienced it.

I watched a scientific show about different ways our Earth could be destroyed. This planet is so fragile, it's almost laughable. Big meteor, black hole, Yellowstone Park... so many ways we'd wink out of existence in no time. The black hole is possibly the quickest; the planet would get sucked in, torn apart, vaporized.

Vaporization seems infinitely preferable to most forms of death. It's instant and there's no mess left behind: no body, no autopsy, no funeral with all the expensive and ridiculous trappings. It would be nice to know that you might just be considered "AWOL" for the rest of all time and maybe the government wouldn't be allowed to impose death taxes (which infuriates me).

And just so's you know, none of this is like morbid thinking... it's really just musing.

I'd have to say that overall, life is pretty good right now. Kinda quiet, but you won't hear me complaining about that!