Anxieties

Don't mean to scare anyone but I'm starting Step 4 and it's a bit scary. It's a mind freak, in fact. (Haha! and the Angel himself is fuelling it... which is good for my eyes if not for the soul.)

Today the Trailer Trash Ice Queen Bitch said something within my earshot (deliberately) that sent me into a tiny tailspin. My heart beat hard, my adrenaline pumped in anger. I had to breathe deeply and yet I could not dispel her.

But why the fuck would she matter? She shouldn't. But she hurt me... made me feel small for few moments. And yet she's the smaller one of us... I look down upon her from an imagined height of education and breeding and think I'm so much better... aren't I? I think so, yet am unsure.

Step 4 makes you wonder and wander in all directions, makes you spin until you think you might go insane, wondering if you're the one who's been nuts all this time or if it's everyone else.

Instinct keeps you grounded even when you're floored.

And right now I'm full of sadness and joy that are bouncing against each other in ways I really don't understand, and all I want to do is run away or embrace it or apologize to a hundred people for sounding like I've lost my mind.

I should stop now while I'm ahead.

Should I save this as a draft? Yes.

Listening to: 100 Years, by Five for Fighting
Dedicated to: My Brothers
One Hand in my Pocket, by Alanis Morrissette
Dedicated to: Everyone